halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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