Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
