arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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