I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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