My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
