hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
