I wish I could teleport
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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