dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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