Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
