Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Randomize
