it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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