I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
