I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
