I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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