dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't want my vagina anymore.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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