I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
