I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
