Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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