I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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