I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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