eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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