I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
