Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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