I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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