Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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