It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's shark week go big or go home
My bed smells like the plague
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
