I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
