I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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