erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
