gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
All I want is dick and wine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
