i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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