dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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