a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
