she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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