Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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