Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
