mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
