I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
