so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
