do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
