if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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