He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
