what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
