you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
