Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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