Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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