Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like death gave me a hand job
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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