I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
being pregnant is like rehab
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
