I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
