I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
