Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
