Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
