The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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